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UK to ban all cold calls selling financial products… finally!

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LONDON - In a move that should have happened decades ago, the UK government has finally decided to ban all cold calls selling financial products. This comes as a relief to the British public, who have grown tired of receiving unsolicited calls from over-enthusiastic salespeople, trying to push them into buying dodgy investment opportunities.

The decision was made after extensive research showed that 99.9% of the British public detest cold calls and would rather have dental work done than sit through yet another sales pitch.

"I used to get three or four calls a day," said Jane Smith, a 45-year-old from Birmingham. "It got to the point where I wouldn't answer my phone unless I recognised the number. And even then, I'd hesitate."

The government's decision was greeted with enthusiasm, with many people taking to social media to express their joy.

"Finally, some sense from the government!" tweeted user @Gazza123. "No more pretending to be interested in investments I've never heard of!"

The move will mean that companies will no longer be able to harass people into buying products, or at the very least, will have to find less obnoxious ways of promoting their wares.

One financial advisor, who wished to remain anonymous, said: "This is a big blow for our industry. How are we supposed to sell investments if we can't cold call people? We might actually have to start providing a good service."

The ban has been a long time coming and follows years of complaints from the public. It was finally pushed through after the government received a particularly disgusted letter from 98-year-old Ethel Thomson of East Sussex.

"I've been receiving these blasted calls for years," wrote Thompson. "I've lived through two wars and the Great Depression, but nothing has tested my patience quite like this. Ban them, ban them all!"

Despite the overwhelming support for the ban, some people have expressed concern that it may lead to a decline in employment. One salesperson, who also wished to remain anonymous, said: "What am I supposed to do now? My only skill is being able to talk to people I've never met before and convince them to buy things they don't need. What else is there for me?"

However, others have suggested that this might be an opportunity for these salespeople to retrain in more reputable industries such as nursing or teaching.

"Yes, they might have to learn some new skills," said one government spokesperson, "but I think we can all agree that it's worth it if it means we can finally make it through dinner without being interrupted by someone trying to scam us out of our money."

Overall, the ban is widely regarded as a positive step that will make life a lot easier for the British public.

As Jane Smith said: "It's like Christmas has come early. I might actually answer my phone again!"

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