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Microsoft to launch new Scorpio 4K Xbox; no plans for any games to be able to use capability during lifecycle

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Microsoft have this week released plans to produce and release a 4k capable Xbox in 2017, code-named Scorpio. Though the machine is said to be an upgrade of the current generation Xbox One, and thus with an expected lifecycle of approximately 3 to 4 further years, Microsoft officials are simultaneously excited and confused about the hardware. The machine, said to be using an improved processor and dual SLI graphics cards, is likely to cost around $600/£550, and is being touted as the next-new-ultra-unique-funky generation. However, all this power will, according to most developers, be ultimately fairly useless.

"We don't really understand the point of the new generation of the same machine," said Matt Roper of Roper Graphix, creator of legendary 1st person porn-shooter Legends of the Broken Penis. "The current generation Xbox One allegedly supports 1080p, but so many developers are forced to output in 720p at worst, 1080i at best, simply because the machine itself can't handle any more. 4k will take... well, I'd need a calculator but, if it's twice the resolution, then about seven times the amount of horsepower. I've seen the tiny horses inside the Xbox One - and they get very, very tired."

The machine, which is allegedly going to ship in Rose Gold and some other terrible fad colours, goes on sale in 2017, which other commentators have also queried.

"What's the point," said Archie White, journalist at HeckNoes.com, "of bringing out an almost new console mid-generation? It's like upgrading your graphics card on your PC - except that will actually have an effect on your gaming experience. This upgrade can and will do nothing to affect your back catalog, and can only cause confusion as future games developers have to consider creating dual game modes."

Others have, however, pointed out that the addition of the 4k capability may just be to support the momentum of the TV and movie video format, and not necessarily about the games. Critics, however, have suggested that this still makes no sense, as anyone interested in that could simply buy a standalone video player, which would still be cheaper.

"The whole thing's a bit weird," White continued. "But Microsoft are a bit weird. And we sort of love them for it. Who doesn't enjoy turning on their Windows PC to find that last night's automatically installed updates completely f*cked up your system?"

This article has not been paid for by Sony, and any suggestions will be quickly dealt with by Sony's legal team.

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Comments

#1 @ 2 years ago
by Richard Adams - Quiet veteran

HEY - THIS IS GREAT. DO NOT LISTEN TO THE MISERABLE PEOPLE.

:(

27 comments, registered 5 years ago
#2 @ 2 years ago
by tyler-adams - One-off wonder

Bullshit. Everything you said made me want to stab myself with a long ead rodent.

1 comment, registered 4 years ago
#3 @ 2 years ago
by slave_bears - Quiet veteran

Oh boy...

11 comments, registered 4 years ago
#4 @ 2 years ago
by r holden - Ghost

I ENJOYED THIS.

4 comments, registered 3 years ago
#5 @ 2 years ago
by Shoe Whip - Ghost

OH SHUT UP.

8 comments, registered 5 years ago
#6 @ 2 years ago
by shea1382 - Ghost

Shoe Whip wrote

OH SHUT UP.

OFF TOPIC. I DON'T SERIOUSLY UNDERSTAND... AND YET I DO UNDERSTAND.

5 comments, registered 4 years ago
#7 @ 2 years ago
by alice in chains 1760 - Quiet veteran

shea1382 wrote

Shoe Whip wrote

OH SHUT UP.

OFF TOPIC. I DON'T SERIOUSLY UNDERSTAND... AND YET I DO UNDERSTAND.

Lush! A masterpiece. How funn.

14 comments, registered 5 years ago

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