Twitter and Facebook down; websites crash under load caused by celebrity death retrospective arse kissing

Social networking sites Twitter and Facebook have suffered horrendous loss of service, with some unable to get onto their beloved sites for up to 13 seconds. Many have vowed never to use the services again, according to the tweets and status updates we received. According to website sarcasticfishlegs.com, the downtime has been caused by members of the public desperate to pledge their sorrow at the multitudes of recent celebrity deaths. One oddly-written example came from a Facebook post written by user Jeff Cane (the other one):

"It's been such a sad time. Prince, Snape, Bowie, Wogan, Debbie McGee's husband - I think we owe it to every celebrity who dies to come on Twitter and Facebook to virally spread our emotions to everyone else. RIP everyone. We love you. Smooches. Everything you did was awesome. We don't worry about the drug riddled corpse you may have left behind, or the tax exemptions you almost certainly took advantage of. You did that good thing that was very arty, and that's enough for us."

Social media has always been a magnet for rallying around causes, with the tragic Charlie Hebdo shootings swiftly turned around into a fad of French-Flagging your profile picture. With all the recent celebrity deaths, however, the outpouring of grief has begun to take its toll on the technology behind the sites. IT repairman Dong Lover, told us:

"I don't work for Twitter, but I saw my cousin Eddie use it once. I think what's probably happening is that they're getting effectively DDOSed when a new celeb bites the big one. Hundreds of thousands of people cram on all at once, sharing their undying gratitude for the service the celeb has done for the world, and letting everyone know how cultured they must be to know their best film/album/trick/TV appearance. It's a bit pathetic, but that's the world we've built for ourselves. I'm not called Dong Lover for nothing - Mom really loves her some Community, and I'm only six years old."

Time-travelling IT repairmen aside, we asked Google if they were suffering any problems with their Google Plus service, but apparently all is running smoothly and always has. And always will.

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