Rap music causes ulcers

You scream, I scream, we all scream when rap music is on

A new study released today shows a 94% increase in the chances of developing ulcers for those subjected to random bouts of rap music. The study, conducted by a series of increasingly grumpy and relatively old white people, shows a distinct correlation between the growth of ulcers, both mouth and stomach, and the frequency of hearing short sharp bouts of rap music, usually streaming from a passing car.

98% of people interviewed said that their main source of listening to rap music was from strange cars, which, the study has suggested, should be given the title of Doppler Rap.

"It's a scary statistic," said Mary Bell, head researcher for the study group. "I once had a stomach ulcer so big I swear I could see it if I opened my mouth real wide. That rap music is to blame is no real surprise, but at least it gives us a specific target to moan at."

Some, however, have questioned the approach of the researchers. Jenny McClue, researcher at SocialStatisticsGroupLtdInc told us:

"The problem with this study is that it's conducted by a group of people who conducted the research on themselves; and there is a strong bias towards finding the correlation in the first place because these guys hate rap music quite passionately - I found out that they're members of a Facebook group that opposes rap. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if the ulcers they complain about are actually caused by their hatred and bile."

According to the original study, rap music now makes up 98% of all music produced around the world. They also suggest that making statistical claims not ranged in the upper ninety percents are not worth making.

The funny news item you've just read is FICTITIOUS. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental or is intended purely as a satire, parody or spoof.

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Comments

#1 @ 11 years ago

by square-match - Ghost

I've read almost everything on the internet and this is better than all of that. Good morning sunshine.

7 comments, registered 12 years ago

#2 @ 11 years ago

by Douglas Adams0 - Ghost

square-match wrote

I've read almost everything on the internet and this is better than all of that. Good morning sunshine.

THIS IS INCREDIBLY SUPER. HAVE A FEELING THIS SORT OF ITEM MIGHT JUST TAKE OVER MY ENTIRE LIFE.

3 comments, registered 12 years ago

#3 @ 11 years ago

by Mallard Fuel - Ghost

Douglas Adams0 wrote

square-match wrote

I've read almost everything on the internet and this is better than all of that. Good morning sunshine.

THIS IS INCREDIBLY SUPER. HAVE A FEELING THIS SORT OF ITEM MIGHT JUST TAKE OVER MY ENTIRE LIFE.

What a waste of everyone's time, effort and energy. :(.

2 comments, registered 11 years ago

#4 @ 11 years ago

by Douglas Adams0 - Ghost

Mallard Fuel wrote

Douglas Adams0 wrote

square-match wrote

I've read almost everything on the internet and this is better than all of that. Good morning sunshine.

THIS IS INCREDIBLY SUPER. HAVE A FEELING THIS SORT OF ITEM MIGHT JUST TAKE OVER MY ENTIRE LIFE.

What a waste of everyone's time, effort and energy. :(.

HOW STRANGE, I TOOK A DUMP LAST NIGHT AND IT LOOKED LIKE THIS.

:(

3 comments, registered 12 years ago

#5 @ 11 years ago

by WILLIAMDUKE7 - Quiet veteran

Mallard Fuel wrote

Douglas Adams0 wrote

square-match wrote

I've read almost everything on the internet and this is better than all of that. Good morning sunshine.

THIS IS INCREDIBLY SUPER. HAVE A FEELING THIS SORT OF ITEM MIGHT JUST TAKE OVER MY ENTIRE LIFE.

What a waste of everyone's time, effort and energy. :(.

this isn't just garbage, it's offensive garbage. you don't understand schadenfreude do you? i hope you get hit by a rampaging bull.

12 comments, registered 12 years ago

#6 @ 11 years ago

by RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE - Ghost

Douglas Adams0 wrote

Mallard Fuel wrote

Douglas Adams0 wrote

square-match wrote

I've read almost everything on the internet and this is better than all of that. Good morning sunshine.

THIS IS INCREDIBLY SUPER. HAVE A FEELING THIS SORT OF ITEM MIGHT JUST TAKE OVER MY ENTIRE LIFE.

What a waste of everyone's time, effort and energy. :(.

HOW STRANGE, I TOOK A DUMP LAST NIGHT AND IT LOOKED LIKE THIS.

:(

you are doubtful. :(

3 comments, registered 12 years ago

#7 @ 11 years ago

by Mallard Fuel - Ghost

WILLIAMDUKE7 wrote

Mallard Fuel wrote

Douglas Adams0 wrote

square-match wrote

I've read almost everything on the internet and this is better than all of that. Good morning sunshine.

THIS IS INCREDIBLY SUPER. HAVE A FEELING THIS SORT OF ITEM MIGHT JUST TAKE OVER MY ENTIRE LIFE.

What a waste of everyone's time, effort and energy. :(.

this isn't just garbage, it's offensive garbage. you don't understand schadenfreude do you? i hope you get hit by a rampaging bull.

If I give you some money, will you go away?

2 comments, registered 11 years ago

#8 @ 11 years ago

by meal_drum - Ghost

Mallard Fuel wrote

WILLIAMDUKE7 wrote

Mallard Fuel wrote

Douglas Adams0 wrote

square-match wrote

I've read almost everything on the internet and this is better than all of that. Good morning sunshine.

THIS IS INCREDIBLY SUPER. HAVE A FEELING THIS SORT OF ITEM MIGHT JUST TAKE OVER MY ENTIRE LIFE.

What a waste of everyone's time, effort and energy. :(.

this isn't just garbage, it's offensive garbage. you don't understand schadenfreude do you? i hope you get hit by a rampaging bull.

If I give you some money, will you go away?

This is bollocks, and you should feel terrible. Ooops, wrong post!

4 comments, registered 12 years ago

#9 @ 11 years ago

by amelie - Quiet veteran

Mallard Fuel wrote

WILLIAMDUKE7 wrote

Mallard Fuel wrote

Douglas Adams0 wrote

square-match wrote

I've read almost everything on the internet and this is better than all of that. Good morning sunshine.

THIS IS INCREDIBLY SUPER. HAVE A FEELING THIS SORT OF ITEM MIGHT JUST TAKE OVER MY ENTIRE LIFE.

What a waste of everyone's time, effort and energy. :(.

this isn't just garbage, it's offensive garbage. you don't understand schadenfreude do you? i hope you get hit by a rampaging bull.

If I give you some money, will you go away?

I do not know. :)

19 comments, registered 12 years ago

#10 @ 11 years ago

by Kathryn_Robinson - Quiet veteran

meal_drum wrote

Mallard Fuel wrote

WILLIAMDUKE7 wrote

Mallard Fuel wrote

Douglas Adams0 wrote

square-match wrote

I've read almost everything on the internet and this is better than all of that. Good morning sunshine.

THIS IS INCREDIBLY SUPER. HAVE A FEELING THIS SORT OF ITEM MIGHT JUST TAKE OVER MY ENTIRE LIFE.

What a waste of everyone's time, effort and energy. :(.

this isn't just garbage, it's offensive garbage. you don't understand schadenfreude do you? i hope you get hit by a rampaging bull.

If I give you some money, will you go away?

This is bollocks, and you should feel terrible. Ooops, wrong post!

edited: sorry, silly post! solid

12 comments, registered 12 years ago

#11 @ 11 years ago

by k_cherry - Ghost

meal_drum wrote

Mallard Fuel wrote

WILLIAMDUKE7 wrote

Mallard Fuel wrote

Douglas Adams0 wrote

square-match wrote

I've read almost everything on the internet and this is better than all of that. Good morning sunshine.

THIS IS INCREDIBLY SUPER. HAVE A FEELING THIS SORT OF ITEM MIGHT JUST TAKE OVER MY ENTIRE LIFE.

What a waste of everyone's time, effort and energy. :(.

this isn't just garbage, it's offensive garbage. you don't understand schadenfreude do you? i hope you get hit by a rampaging bull.

If I give you some money, will you go away?

This is bollocks, and you should feel terrible. Ooops, wrong post!

Sure, why not. I'm not entirely sure I believe this.

3 comments, registered 12 years ago

#12 @ 11 years ago

by meat-octopus111 - Ghost

Kathryn_Robinson wrote

meal_drum wrote

Mallard Fuel wrote

WILLIAMDUKE7 wrote

Mallard Fuel wrote

Douglas Adams0 wrote

square-match wrote

I've read almost everything on the internet and this is better than all of that. Good morning sunshine.

THIS IS INCREDIBLY SUPER. HAVE A FEELING THIS SORT OF ITEM MIGHT JUST TAKE OVER MY ENTIRE LIFE.

What a waste of everyone's time, effort and energy. :(.

this isn't just garbage, it's offensive garbage. you don't understand schadenfreude do you? i hope you get hit by a rampaging bull.

If I give you some money, will you go away?

This is bollocks, and you should feel terrible. Ooops, wrong post!

edited: sorry, silly post! solid

MEH WITH MEH ON TOP. :)

6 comments, registered 12 years ago

#13 @ 11 years ago

by Jane Austen123 - Ghost

meat-octopus111 wrote

Kathryn_Robinson wrote

meal_drum wrote

Mallard Fuel wrote

WILLIAMDUKE7 wrote

Mallard Fuel wrote

Douglas Adams0 wrote

square-match wrote

I've read almost everything on the internet and this is better than all of that. Good morning sunshine.

THIS IS INCREDIBLY SUPER. HAVE A FEELING THIS SORT OF ITEM MIGHT JUST TAKE OVER MY ENTIRE LIFE.

What a waste of everyone's time, effort and energy. :(.

this isn't just garbage, it's offensive garbage. you don't understand schadenfreude do you? i hope you get hit by a rampaging bull.

If I give you some money, will you go away?

This is bollocks, and you should feel terrible. Ooops, wrong post!

edited: sorry, silly post! solid

MEH WITH MEH ON TOP. :)

come on, this is idiocy. don't fall for it; stop feeding the troll. this is complete poop.

6 comments, registered 12 years ago

#14 @ 11 years ago

by Boundary-Direction - Ghost

Jane Austen123 wrote

meat-octopus111 wrote

Kathryn_Robinson wrote

meal_drum wrote

Mallard Fuel wrote

WILLIAMDUKE7 wrote

Mallard Fuel wrote

Douglas Adams0 wrote

square-match wrote

I've read almost everything on the internet and this is better than all of that. Good morning sunshine.

THIS IS INCREDIBLY SUPER. HAVE A FEELING THIS SORT OF ITEM MIGHT JUST TAKE OVER MY ENTIRE LIFE.

What a waste of everyone's time, effort and energy. :(.

this isn't just garbage, it's offensive garbage. you don't understand schadenfreude do you? i hope you get hit by a rampaging bull.

If I give you some money, will you go away?

This is bollocks, and you should feel terrible. Ooops, wrong post!

edited: sorry, silly post! solid

MEH WITH MEH ON TOP. :)

come on, this is idiocy. don't fall for it; stop feeding the troll. this is complete poop.

this whole idea is stolen from elsewhere. i really strugle to stay calm when i read items like this. i and my friends are boycotting this site until this "writer" fucks off and dies.

7 comments, registered 12 years ago

#15 @ 11 years ago

by Hendricks-E - Quiet veteran

Douglas Adams0 wrote

square-match wrote

I've read almost everything on the internet and this is better than all of that. Good morning sunshine.

THIS IS INCREDIBLY SUPER. HAVE A FEELING THIS SORT OF ITEM MIGHT JUST TAKE OVER MY ENTIRE LIFE.

There is sum exquisite articles on this here interweb, but this is so amusing. :)

12 comments, registered 11 years ago

#16 @ 11 years ago

by quail_spoon - Ghost

Mallard Fuel wrote

WILLIAMDUKE7 wrote

Mallard Fuel wrote

Douglas Adams0 wrote

square-match wrote

I've read almost everything on the internet and this is better than all of that. Good morning sunshine.

THIS IS INCREDIBLY SUPER. HAVE A FEELING THIS SORT OF ITEM MIGHT JUST TAKE OVER MY ENTIRE LIFE.

What a waste of everyone's time, effort and energy. :(.

this isn't just garbage, it's offensive garbage. you don't understand schadenfreude do you? i hope you get hit by a rampaging bull.

If I give you some money, will you go away?