World Health

Booze blamed for alcoholism

story image about alcoholism and booze Mojito, it makes me happy!
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The U.S. National Institutes of Health have announced findings into research to discover the root cause of alcoholism in the US and the wider world. The findings, released over the weekend, have shown that almost 98% of all alcoholics are known imbibers of 'booze'. The term 'booze', a liquid branded evil by some Christian groups, is said to be used by many alcoholics as a way of protecting themselves from recognising their real issues, although many scientists are, as yet, unable to specify exactly what is meant by the term.

Head scientist at Laughingstock University, Colorado, told us:

"Booze is something we've investigated a lot. We've known for some time of a direct causal link between alcoholism and booze, but we've not yet been able to tie down the exact nature of the link. Firstly we need to discover the exact contents of booze, which is proving elusive. The term 'booze', as identified by alcoholics in our study, truly runs the gamut in terms of look, taste, colour, texture and ingredients. In fact, we've had so many different types of booze that have required identification that we've yet to actually run any tests. But we've done a lot of investigation. You're pretty, you know?"

Alcoholism is, of course, no laughing matter, and is the cause of death and disease for many around the world, either directly or indirectly. The announcement today that apparently indicates the link between booze and alcoholism is hopefully a step on the road to eradicating the excuses that some alcoholics use to avoid curbing their behaviours. Psychologism expert Dan Rathernot told us:

"If you tell someone they're an alcoholic, the first question they ask is: 'Well, that's fine. But how do I stop being one?'. This announcement today makes it clear that one of the things they can do is to stop drinking booze. It's a definitive answer that will no doubt help."

In other news, scientists in Britain have discovered that consuming more calories than can be expended causes individuals to gain weight. More on that another time.

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Comments

#1 @ 5 years ago
by Arundhati Roy - Quiet veteran

Well, I laughed. How droll.

12 comments, registered 5 years ago
#2 @ 5 years ago
by vikram seth - Ghost

Arundhati Roy wrote

Well, I laughed. How droll.

amusing. there is sum super material to make me wet my area's, but this is ridiculously hilarious.

8 comments, registered 5 years ago
#3 @ 5 years ago
by w carney-patton - One-off wonder

Arundhati Roy wrote

Well, I laughed. How droll.

there are all sorts of reasons to hate you, and this is one. who really wrote this - someone with chunks missing from there head?

1 comment, registered 5 years ago
#4 @ 5 years ago
by Hendricks-E - Quiet veteran

Weird, I took a crap last night and it looked pretty much like this.

12 comments, registered 5 years ago
#5 @ 5 years ago
by WAX VESSEL - Ghost

Hendricks-E wrote

Weird, I took a crap last night and it looked pretty much like this.

this is absolute bollocks.

3 comments, registered 5 years ago
#6 @ 5 years ago
by HELP-REASON1 - Ghost

WAX VESSEL wrote

Hendricks-E wrote

Weird, I took a crap last night and it looked pretty much like this.

this is absolute bollocks.

this is garbage, and you should feel awful.

:(

3 comments, registered 5 years ago
#7 @ 5 years ago
by WAX VESSEL - Ghost

HELP-REASON1 wrote

WAX VESSEL wrote

Hendricks-E wrote

Weird, I took a crap last night and it looked pretty much like this.

this is absolute bollocks.

this is garbage, and you should feel awful.

:(

when you tell me something interesting, i am tempted to tell you something equally interesting. my toes hurt when i stub them.

3 comments, registered 5 years ago
#8 @ 5 years ago
by thomas hardy - Ghost

HELP-REASON1 wrote

WAX VESSEL wrote

Hendricks-E wrote

Weird, I took a crap last night and it looked pretty much like this.

this is absolute bollocks.

this is garbage, and you should feel awful.

:(

Oh shut up. I guess.

9 comments, registered 5 years ago

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