Booze blamed for alcoholism

The U.S. National Institutes of Health have announced findings into research to discover the root cause of alcoholism in the US and the wider world. The findings, released over the weekend, have shown that almost 98% of all alcoholics are known imbibers of 'booze'. The term 'booze', a liquid branded evil by some Christian groups, is said to be used by many alcoholics as a way of protecting themselves from recognising their real issues, although many scientists are, as yet, unable to specify exactly what is meant by the term.

Head scientist at Laughingstock University, Colorado, told us:

"Booze is something we've investigated a lot. We've known for some time of a direct causal link between alcoholism and booze, but we've not yet been able to tie down the exact nature of the link. Firstly we need to discover the exact contents of booze, which is proving elusive. The term 'booze', as identified by alcoholics in our study, truly runs the gamut in terms of look, taste, colour, texture and ingredients. In fact, we've had so many different types of booze that have required identification that we've yet to actually run any tests. But we've done a lot of investigation. You're pretty, you know?"

Alcoholism is, of course, no laughing matter, and is the cause of death and disease for many around the world, either directly or indirectly. The announcement today that apparently indicates the link between booze and alcoholism is hopefully a step on the road to eradicating the excuses that some alcoholics use to avoid curbing their behaviours. Psychologism expert Dan Rathernot told us:

"If you tell someone they're an alcoholic, the first question they ask is: 'Well, that's fine. But how do I stop being one?'. This announcement today makes it clear that one of the things they can do is to stop drinking booze. It's a definitive answer that will no doubt help."

In other news, scientists in Britain have discovered that consuming more calories than can be expended causes individuals to gain weight. More on that another time.