Desperate Woman Begs for Cash, Promptly Gums Up Crowdfunding Site with Toothless Whining

In a shocking display of sheer toothlessness, local woman Susan Smith is desperately seeking funds for a new set of dentures. After years of neglecting her dental health, Smith was finally forced to have all of her teeth removed due to severe decay.

"I knew I should have flossed more," Smith lamented through a mouthful of gauze. "But I never thought it would come to this. I mean, who wants to go through life looking like a geezer?"

Despite a lack of interest from friends and family in helping her raise the necessary funds, Smith took to the internet to seek out potential donors. "I don't need pity, but I do need teeth. And if that means begging random strangers for money, then so be it," she announced in a video posted to a popular crowdfunding website.

Unfortunately for Smith, her desperate plea for sympathy fell on deaf ears. The public response was quick and brutal, with many commenters calling for her to simply "suck it up" and adjust to life without teeth.

"She needs to stop whining and start blending her food like the rest of us," quipped one Facebook commenter.

Even more damning was a scathing public statement from celebrity dentist Dr. Smiley McWhite, who derided Smith's lack of responsibility and dental hygiene. "I'm sorry, but there's no excuse for not taking care of your teeth," McWhite sneered in an interview with E! News. "We're talking about basic hygiene here. It's not rocket science."

Still, Smith refuses to give up her toothless crusade. "I won't stop until I get my teeth back. And if I have to beg, borrow, or steal to do it, then so be it," she exclaimed, before breaking down into a fit of gummy sobs. With no end in sight to her toothless plight, it remains to be seen whether Smith will ever see the bright, sparkling smile she so desperately craves. But for now, one thing is certain - the internet will never forget her saddening plight.