The EU, or European Union if we absolutely must use its full title, has today declared that Britain must ensure that its condoms are ten percent thicker than those sold elsewhere on the continent. Conspiracy theorists, and politicians running for various appointed positions, have jumped on the news as proof that the EU wishes to harm British interests.
"It's an absolute kick in the arse," said Joris Bhonson, Mayor of Hearts. "These god forsaken European tarts and toffs making up rules about we can do in our own beds? It's anarchy. Next they'll be telling us what we can and cannot have in the good old fashioned British sausage!"
Bhonson was not alone in his questioning or condemnation of the move. Head conspiracist at website TheyLookInOurEyesWhenWeSleep.com, told us a rather more disturbing likely story:
"Oh it's just the EU playing their usual games. Nothing changes. The condom will be thicker so that a) British men folk feel less pleasure from the physical act of intercourse, and b) so that there's less risk of splitting, thus cutting down on accidental pregnancy. It's what we call a twofer."
This twofer has caused outrage amongst the red-tops, with The Sun declaring "EU wot m8!", and The Mirror decrying "They think it's all over; well it isn't yet because the condom's so thick I can't feel anything!"
Thus far nobody from the EU has chosen to return Laughsend's calls regarding whether or not this story is true.