After 6" of snow fell across the UK last night, the Met Office, today, said the UK might have snow. A spokesperson said: "We've been predicting snow for six weeks and we've finally got it right." When it was pointed out that the snow had fallen 12 hours before their prediction, the spokesperson replied: "Oh, fuck off!"
The police warned motorists.
Not about anything in particular, it's just what they do.
The RAC advised motorists that if they drive on icy roads they might be slippery, and the AA cautioned motorists not to drink but to follow the twelve-step path however slippery it may be.
Thameslink Rail Network said the lines had already been cleared of snow and they were looking for another excuse for service cancellations.
At Liverpool airport, Ryanair issued passengers with snow shovels and said: "If you don't dig, you don't fly." Passengers who had pre-booked a shovel using a Spandex Electro NuVu card received a 1% discount.
31 schools across the UK were closed due to adverse weather conditions, causing parents to stay off work at an estimated cost to the UK economy of £8m. A NUT spokesperson said; "So what?"
The Department of Works and Pensions advised old people to ride around on the top deck of a bus all day to keep warm. Those not able to access public transport were told to "share an Uber". A spokesperson said: "What do you think the winter fuel allowance is for?"
Finally, Shelter warned that hundreds of homeless people sleeping rough on the UK's street will die over the next seven days if conditions don't improve. Reporting from a private resort in the South of Franve, the Secretary for State for Housing said: "Why don't they stay in hotels?"