Teacher crisis! "Our children aren't getting no education!" claims Minister for Education.

In an attempt to plug the 'teacher gap', the gap between the number of teachers we need and the number of teachers we have, the UK government is trialling a radical scheme to actually pay teachers for staying in the classroom.

A spokesperson for the Department for Education said: "We think paying teachers will encourage them to go into school and teach."

A spokesperson for the National Union of Teachers welcomed the government's proposal and said: "Paying teachers may result in more of them."

A secondary school teacher who declined to be named, said: "We work seven days a week including evenings and holidays, marking and preparing lessons. And for what?"

A trainee teacher who met us behind the bike sheds confessed: "I come here just to, you know, look at the school. I'd love to, you know, just go in and teach but I know I'd get sucked in and before you know it I'd be like, you know, just teaching all the time." He drew heavily on his sweet-smelling cigarette and slunk away.

The Shadow Education Secretary said: "Paying teachers is the thin end of the wedge. If the government starts paying teachers, everyone will expect to b paid â€" nurses firemen, even the police who we know are only in it for the violence and fast cars. It'll be the end of social order, mark my words, the revolution is coming! Man the barricades!" Her carer gently lead her away.