Heck Yeah, America: Immortality Achievement Unlocked

An earth-shattering breakthrough in the scientific community is changing the way Americans live. CapitalismTech, the California-based global leader of healthcare technology, discovered the medical key to immortality early last week. Chief of Development and Technology Cronk Trunk, MD, MPH, Ph. D of CapitalismTech has been heralded a hero by President Barack Obama.

In his State of the Union address last week, Obama proudly proclaimed, “In years past, we had seen glimpses of the Future as the emerging field of genomics became more robust. Today I can confidently state that the United States of America has entered the Future.”

As citizens of the United States, everyone has access to this chemical and lifestyle therapy. All one has to do is go to their primary care physician and ask them to be blessed with the ability for a never-ending life. All doctors are going through training for the rituals that take place in becoming immortal.

This new procedure, cleverly termed MurcaTherapy, consists of a rigorous dietary plan paired with an extensively detailed daily activity schedule. Physicians combine lifestyle changes with a 10-a-day prescription medicine which demands a high amount of dietary saturated and trans fat.

Critics of MurcaTherapy oppose the necessary diehard commitment to MurcaTherapy, which demands the consumption of nearly 3000 daily calories, 80% of which should be from fat.

Says Trunk, who was recently nominated for both the Nobel Prize for Medicine and Peace, “While the therapy does require a commitment, the American Spirit is the most essential factor. Tried-and-true Americans will embrace the challenge of this new lifestyle, and we will quickly surpass all other countries in life expectancy.”

Previous attempts have been made in Japan, where participants were subject to consuming a tea diet exclusively, and in Russia, where copious amounts of vodka had to be consumed first thing in the morning and immediately before bed. In both countries, individuals were unable to adhere to the strict requirements. These attempts further strengthen the need for the American Spirit not found elsewhere.

Daily activity is also restricted; patients participating in MurcaTherapy are required to spend 20 hours a day in a sitting or lying position. Leaders in the field find that best results are achieved when patients are able to spend large amounts of time watching TV or playing video games.

Because of this phenomenon, the MurcaTherapy team has committed countless hours of research and development to implement a program with partner Netflix. Patients can upgrade their traditional Netflix account to Murcaflix, which is geared towards providing binge-watch-worthy material to support the goal of immortality through MurcaTherapy.

Betty White, famous actress and rumored future spokeswoman for Murcaflix and MurcaTherapy, is in support of this healthcare breakthrough, “MurcaTherapy is not just for the rich and famous. We want your teacher, your best friend, even the girl next door to be committed to the diet and lifestyle it takes for immortality. Achievement Unlocked couldn’t be closer to the truth.”

We owe a big thank you to Dr. Trunk for extending our lives beyond what is once thought to be impossible and making America great again.

The only question is: what will Americans do with this gift of endless time?

We took to the streets to interview hundreds of our citizens about this new development.

“I can finally nail that funky new casserole recipe!” says Anna Curry, 53, of Manitowoc, MN

“With unending time, I can become a level 300 Mage and get the best gear in World of Warcraft,” says Tyler McGinley, 16, of Kenmore, WA.

Our favorite response came from Olivia Coates, 32, of Lake Forest Park, WA. “I’m not sure what I’ll do,” Coates said, “but I do know that I’m going to stop shaving my legs!”

So go forth, citizens of the United States of America, it’s time to amp up your juicy, high-cholesterol hamburger, fries, and a milkshake, or three, because the only exercise you should strive for is the movement of your thumbs across the screen of your phones. Live your life with no regrets for anything is now achievable.