Donald Trump, the man who wants to be US President, has today issued a baffling and eerie warning to the children of America. The full text of the warning reads: "Get of my way - Donald's gonna get ya!"
The message, daubed onto the lock-up grill of a grocery shop in the Bronx, was signed by Trump himself, lending enough credibility for this journalist to feel comfortable attributing it directly to the Republican. Rather Mathers, grocery shop owner, told us about his discovery:
"It was shocking. I came into work this morning, began the process of opening the shutter on the front of the shop, when I read the newly spray painted message. It was signed Donald T Rump, which is obviously the man's name. He must have sneaked down here in the middle of the night and spray painted the message. I feel sick. Physically sick, not the mental kind that makes people shit in their hats."
Trump's spokespeople have been out in force this morning, taking time out of a busy schedule to play down the text of the message, with some even declaring that their man had nothing to do with it.
"It's ridiculous," said Bob Bobkins on 9103871FM's Thursday with an F. "Mr Trump is busy elsewhere in the country trying to garner support. He is not likely to visit New York just to spray paint some random shop front with nonsensical words."
Thursday with an F's radio host, Jim Akkers asked "But the actual content. Do you think Mr Trump would have a problem with that?"
"Oh no," replied Bobkins. "The sentiment of the message is otherwise accurate."
Mr Trump is currently out to woo Wisconsin's Republican voters, in what could be a pivotal contest along the road to Republican Presidential nomination. It is currently unknown whether GOP voters have taken to his statement or not.